Chapter Thirteen: Gryffindor Versus Ravenclaw
In chapter thirteen of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Harry meets Cho Chang, Hermione and Ron escalate their feud, and Malfoy and Harry have a rap battle.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Ron and Hermione are still being ridiculous about their pets, and everyone’s freaking out over Harry’s firebolt when we start our chapter.
On the day of the Ravenclaw match the rest of the school marvels at Harry’s superior broom
Cedric comes over to congratulate Harry because Cedric Diggory is a Prince among boys and damn you Cursed Child I will never buy that he could ever become a Death Eater!
Percy is hilarious for once
“Now, now, Penny, no sabotage!” said Percy heartily as she examined the Firebolt closely. “Penelope and I have got a bet on,” he told the team. “Ten Galleons on the outcome of the match!”
Penelope put the Firebolt down again, thanked Harry, and went back to her table.
“Harry – make sure you win,” said Percy, in an urgent whisper. “I haven’t got ten Galleons. Yes, I’m coming, Penny!” And he bustled off to join her in a piece of toast.
and Draco and Harry have what I can only describe to you as a rap battle, complete with hype men.
“Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?” said a cold, drawling voice.
Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.
“Yeah, reckon so,” said Harry casually.
“Got plenty of special features, hasn’t it?” said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. “Shame it doesn’t come with a parachute – in case you get too near a Dementor.”
“Pity you can’t attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy,” said Harry. “Then it could catch the Snitch for you.”
The Gryffindors LMAO at this in Malfoy’s face and he retreats like he’s the recipient of Eminem’s last rap battle in 8 Mile.
The match starts and as usual, I heart a sorely SORELY underappreciated character, Lee Jordan. First, the man is BFF’s with Fred and George. Two, his Quidditch commentary that is often followed by chastisement by McGonagall is solid gold and I will never stop being sad that it was cut for time from the movies. Just look at this comedic duo!
“They’re off, and the big excitement this match is the Firebolt that Harry Potter is flying for Gryffindor. According to Which Broomstick, the Firebolt’s going to be the broom of choice for the national teams at this year’s World Championship-”
“Jordan, would you mind telling us what’s going on in the match?” interrupted Professor McGonagall’s voice.
“Right you are, Professor- just giving a bit of background information- the Firebolt, incidentally, has a built-in auto-brake and-”
“Jordan!”
“Okay, okay, Gryffindor in possession, Katie Bell of Gryffindor heading for the goal…”
“Gryffindor leads by eighty points to zero, and look at that Firebolt go! Potter’s really putting it through its paces now, see it turn — Chang’s Comet is just no match for it, the Firebolt’s precision-balance is really noticeable in these long —” “JORDAN! ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS? GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!”
If the two of them ever go on the road with their comedy act I will be first in line.
Wood tells Harry to knock Cho off her broom (to her death!?) because his need to win the Quidditch cup has now led him to being cool with manslaughter and/or maiming, and Harry sees “dementors” and hits them with the ‘ol Expecto Patronum, Harry Potter’s second most iconic spell after, of course, Expelliarmus.
So Harry wins the game and finds out the “dementors” were Flint, Crabbe, and Malfoy sitting on Goyle like a dang scooby doo villain
McGonagall takes 50 points but not 150 points, EH MINERVA? Reserve that for first year students out of bed, right? And also assigns them what is presumably going to be another murder detention and MAN Draco is really taking the L’s this chapter, right?
Then we have a little strange moment that has always given me pause, like I was supposed to get something and didn’t.
“Did you even come to the match?” he asked her.
“Of course I did,” said Hermione in a strangely high-pitched voice, not looking up. “And I’m very glad we won, and I think you did really well, but I need to read this by Monday.”
We’re deliberately told Hermione says this in a high voice, indicating she’s either lying in some way, or that she’s getting hysterical for some reason. But why? Did she use the time turner to go to the match? Did she not go to the match at all? Is she just stressed? Am I overthinking this? Everyone:
Ron acts like a total dillweed to Hermione and makes her so upset she flees the party in tears, and Harry finally grows a spine and tells Ron to give Hermione a break. Oh, pardon, did I say Harry grows a spine? I meant he grows a few vertebrate because he doesn’t push further when Ron sasses back that no, he can’t give Hermione a break. Ron, I love you, but this storyline…
Gryffindor tower sans poor Hermione who’s having a mental breakdown without anyone caring is partying, and McGonagall, hungry for more carnage after feeding Malfoy ‘N Goons to her sadistic death detention shows up and tells everyone to shut the fuck up and go to bed. This works, until Ron wakes up screaming, gets the whole house back in the common room, and somehow wakes up McG again (where does this lady sleep?! How much is she getting paid for this bullshit?) to tell everyone Sirius Black was standing over him with a knife.
Oh, how did he get in, you ask? Well…
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Would you watch a rap battle between Malfoy and Harry?
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Why is Hermione acting shady when Harry asks if she came to the match?
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