Chapter Thirteen: Mad-Eye Moody
In chapter thirteen of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Hagrid breeds illegal death machines, Ron and Harry mess with Trelawney, and Malfoy gets ferrety.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Harry’s still worried about Sirius not writing him back when he notices Dradley Dursfoy receiving a ton of candy and cakes like the spoiled like shit he is. (He’s been away one DAY Narcissa get a grip!)
Professor Sprout tells our Gryffs that they’ll have to squeeze pus out of a plant called a bubotuber and while Seamus barfs in his mouth, Professor Sprout youtubes her best squeezes to the millions of her subscribers who are into that sort of thing and subsidizes her early retirement.
Hagrid’s bounced back from his failure at Care of Magical Creatures if by “bounced back” you mean he’s gone batty and has bred some killer hybrid creature things that burn, bite, sting, suck your blood, and has called them Blast-Ended Skrewts. As much as it pains me to admit it, Malfoy’s got a point when he asks why they’re keeping these crawling death machines alive, but my girl Hermione shuts his over sugared ass up by pointing out dragon’s are super useful even if they’re not pretty. It makes me love her even more when she reveals later that she actually agrees with Malfoy about the Skrewts being hideous monsters but her hatred of Malfoy being a dillweed overrode that and made her tell him off. I can always get behind that kind of pettiness!
The first divination lesson of the year starts and –hold on, RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Sassy Harry is back, bringing us sass and shade and whatever else you want to call his snaps in a z formation replies to jerks who had it coming. Harry falls asleep because Trelawney’s act is boring as shit, and when he gets caught dozing, he doubles down on the hilarity by doing this:
“I was saying, my dear, that you were clearly born under the baleful influence of Saturn,” said Professor Trelawney, a faint note of resentment in her voice at the fact that he had obviously not been hanging on her words.
“Born under — what, sorry?” said Harry.
“Saturn, dear, the planet Saturn!” said Professor Trelawney, sounding definitely irritated that he wasn’t riveted by this news. “I was saying that Saturn was surely in a position of power in the heavens at the moment of your birth. . . . Your dark hair . . . your mean stature . . . tragic losses so young in life . . . I think I am right in saying, my dear, that you were born in midwinter?”
“No,” said Harry, “I was born in July.”
Rule us all, Sassy Harry!
Ron gets in on the act, and I won’t lie, I am fired up that the movies removed almost all of the divination classes because of how amusing they make Ron and Harry act.
“I’ve got two neptunes here,” said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, “that can’t be right, can it?”
“Aaaaah,” said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney’s mystical whisper, “when two neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry…”
Seamus and Dean, who were working nearby, sniggered loudly, though not loud enough to mask the excited squeals from Lavender Brown- “Oh Professor, look! I think I might’ve gotten an unexpected planet! Oooh, which one’s that, Professor?”
“It is Uranus, my dear,” said Professor Trelawney, peering down at the chart.
“Can I get a look at Uranus too, Lavender?” said Ron.”
But the fun can’t last, so Trelawney catches them, and assigns them lots of homework.
Malfoy’s doing his weak stand up comedic act in the Great Hall entrance, where he reads a poorly written Rita Skeeter article about Arthur, calls him a nonentity, and calls Ron’s mom FAT which we all know are fighting words.
Harry’s had enough of this shit, and Sassy Harry does. Not. Play.
He points out that Malfoy’s mother walks around like she’s smelling shit (accurate af Harry) and Malfoy attacks Harry behind his back, triggering “Mad-Eye” into turning Malfoy into a ferret, bouncing him around the castle, and ensuring Ron might potentially develop an odd ferret cosplay fetish due to the intense joy this causes him. Sorry, Hermione, the costume goes on one leg at a time!
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Do you want more divination lessons in the movies and/or books?
I love Hagrid deeply, but let’s discuss those Blast Ended Skrewts
Should Moody have gotten into trouble for turning Malfoy into a ferret?
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