Chapter Twenty-Three: The Yule Ball
In chapter twenty-three of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Hermione slams Malfoy, and Harry and Ron are the worst dance dates.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Buckle in, because a lot happens in this chapter.
Fleur’s complaining about the heavy British food (which I am not okay with Fleur because I am hungry and I don’t appreciate you making me remember the amazing pub food I ate in England, Wales, and Ireland although you are totally right in that I gained weight while doing so) when Ron asks Hermione who’s taking her to the Yule Ball. Malfoy, lurking nearby like the pathetic button making stalker he is, interrupts and well…this doesn’t end well for him.
‘You’re joking, Weasley?’ said Malfoy, behind them. ‘You’re not telling me someone’s asked that to the ball? Not the long-molared Mudblood?’
Harry and Ron both whipped around, but Hermione said loudly, waving to somebody over Malfoy’s shoulder, ‘Hello, Professor Moody!’
Malfoy went pale and jumped backwards, looking wildly around for Moody, but he was still up at the staff table, finishing his stew.
‘Twitchy little ferret, aren’t you, Malfoy?’ said Hermione scathingly, and she, Harry and Ron went up the marble staircase laughing heartily.
-JK Rowling,Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
We can all assume Malfoy then runs back to the Slytherin dorms to cry into his dark mark stitched green satin sheets, stuffing his face with a box of candy from mummy, while he fires up the button maker to create a “Granger is a Meany Face” button whilst muttering rap insults under his breath. I’m onto you, D-Malfs!
It’s just then that PotzWeaz, observers extraordinaire, realize that Hermione’s buck teeth have been gone since the incident in the corridor with Malfoy, Goyle, and Snape from oh, months ago.
Hermione?
Sirius and Hermione both nag Harry about the egg clue while Ron enables his avoidance, and then Dobby shows up on Christmas morning to be creepy as fuck by looming in Harry’s face in the dark and auuughhh whyyyy Dobby whhhhhyyyyy!
Harry gifts Dobby the joy of Uncle Vernon’s nasty socks which is not cool Harry but also makes Dobby very happy so kind of works, and Ron gives Dobby his violet (gasp! Molly are you ok?) socks and maroon sweater, causing Dobby to weep with joy about the wonders of Ron Weasley and I’m sorry, but this is such a sweet moment, even for a cynical bitch like me.
Dobby’s made Harry a pair of fly socks (literally, one is red with brooms and one is green with snitches) that I would totally buy and Harry’s sweet enough to pull them on and stop making my dead heart grow, guys, sheesh!
Harry gets some other nice swag for presents, and a green Weasley jumper with a dragon on it and Molly, while this is amazing and all, why does Harry get this super awesome sweater while Ron gets MAROON MAROON MAROON how many MAROON jumpers does one child need?!
Hermione disappears to get ready for the ball three hours early which shocks Ron (yes Ron some of us take a long time!) and the worst date the Patils ever have commences with Harry being awkward with his compliments, and Ron being straight up rude when he keeps asking where Hermione is instead of paying attention to Padma Patil.
Malfoy shows up looking like a “vicar” to Harry and Pansy’s wearing frilly pale pink robes and I’m sad the movie didn’t make them look this ridiculous because this sounds amazing. And then we get to the moment. The moment that was so cool in the book, but so borderline ridiculous in the movie. Let’s dive into it!
So it’s bothered me for years that Hermione, after movie two, is far, far too pretty.
Emma Watson makes a great Hermione. She’s a wonderful role model. It’s true there’s no way to make her as plain as Hermione. However, her styling is so wrong! She goes from having bushy brown hair (like she should, demonstrated below)
via GIPHY
to perfectly coiffed blonde-ish curled hair that just gets blonder and more perfect in every movie. Look at it in Goblet of Fire!
And even worse: Half-Blood prince, where the curls are perfectly arranged!
Dammit, her hair should look like this:
It might seem like a small, unimportant difference (like Daniel Radcliffe having brown hair instead of black) but to me, this is deeper. Hermione is supposed to be gawky and geeky and not care about her appearance. We love her for being a loyal friend and smart and for taking no shit. We love her for not being the stereotypical hot girl. But the movies make her beautiful, and yet try to keep pretending like she’s unattractive and nerdy. Are you telling me if Hermione looked like Emma Watson in movies 3-7.5 she wouldn’t have been super popular with the boys?! As basically the prettiest girl in school?
So we’re supposed to get this moment in movie four, where our little brave geek gets her princess treatment for one night, before she goes back to being bookish and not giving a shit like a boss, which is a glorious and important thing we get in the books, and instead we get pretty Emma Watson in a dress still looking pretty and the movie acts like we should be shocked. Um? It’s so egregious Daniel Radcliffe and JKR literally comment on it in an interview! (skip to 5:48)
In the books, Hermione looks so different Harry doesn’t even recognize her. Malfoy and Pansy can’t even find a way to insult her! Sigh. OK. Moving on. We get our second sign Ron is going to be a horrendous dillweed when he stalks by Hermione with Krum (his two true loves?) without looking at them.
Parvati, at least, is feeling herself being the date of a champion (for now) and is grinning wildly while Ron and Padma look as pissy as Karkaroff, who is feeling salty because he’s a giant bigoted racist against Muggleborns like Hermione.
Percy Weasley has shown up to be smug in Harry’s direction about his promotion, and Sassy Harry tries to rear his head before Harry stuffs him back down.
Harry wanted very much to ask whether Mr. Crouch had stopped calling Percy “Weatherby” yet, but resisted the temptation.
-JK Rowling,Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Viktor Krum has finally been allowed to talk, and instead of his usual skulking sulking act, he’s talking rather enthusiastically about Durmstrang to Hermione, which rankles Karkaroff and leads to Dumbledore dropping a hilarious line (and foreshadowing!) about discovering a room full of chamber pots that he’d never seen before.
Fleur is complaining because I dunno why, and then Harry is being forced to dance in public, which is honestly pretty cruel. Vindictive Moody spots Harry’s Dobby special socks, and I’m impressed yet again at all the little hints and clues JKR drops throughout the whole book on what is going on, if only we knew to look.
And yikes, here we go, because Ron’s done being jealous about Harry and now he’s jealous at Hermione, or Krum, or both, or everyone, who knows, and Parvati flees because Harry’s sucking as a date while Ron openly spits jealousy at Hermione in front of his own date about Krum.
Ron mocks Hermione, asking if she asked Krum to join SPEW and that’s how the date happened, and she says this:
If you really want to know, he – he said he’d been coming up to the library every day to try and talk to me, but he hadn’t been able to pluck up the courage! ‘
Hermione said this very quickly, and blushed so deeply that she was the same colour as Parvati’s robes.
-JK Rowling,Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
I want us to have a debate about this, because I borderline feel Ron’s behavior here is worse then not believing Harry about the Goblet. Why? This is a super sweet first date story Hermione just told. She’s getting a serious Cinderella moment, where the popular boy chooses her because she’s interesting and bookish and not only did he choose her, but he was shy about asking her too, and this is such a lovely moment for a young girl to experience and then Ron shits all over it, pardon my language.
‘Yeah, well – that’s his story,’ said Ron nastily.
‘And what’s that supposed to mean?
‘Obvious, isn’t it?
He’s Karkaroff’s student, isn’t he? He knows who you hang around with … he’s just trying to get closer to Harry – get inside information on him – or get near enough to jinx him –’
Hermione looked as though Ron had slapped her.
When she spoke, her voice quivered. ‘For your information, he hasn’t asked me one single thing about Harry, not one –’
Ron changed tack at the speed of light.
‘Then he’s hoping you’ll help him find out what his egg means! I suppose you’ve been putting your heads together during those cosy little library sessions –’
‘I’d never help him work out that egg!
‘ said Hermione, looking outraged. ‘Never. How could you say something like that – I want Harry to win the Tournament. Harry knows that, don’t you, Harry? ‘
‘You’ve got a funny way of showing it,’ sneered Ron.
-JK Rowling,Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron has taken Hermione’s magical moment, her moment where she was special for being her, Hermione, where even Malfoy and Pansy couldn’t find a way to taunt her, and has ruined it utterly.
Harry tries to stand up for Hermione, Hermione storms off, and Padma also storms off to dance with a Beauxbatons boy. Krum shows up, Ron’s rude, and Krum turns surly again, leaving as well, before Percy shows up as karmic justice for Ron and Harry being such abominable dates. Percy actually does our duo a solid when he waylays Bagman who was probably coming over to try to help Harry cheat again by talking work in a dull enough way to scare everyone off.
Ron and Harry somehow manage to stumble upon Snape and Karkaroff having a suspicious conversation while Snape ruins every snogging teenager’s night because he’s probably picturing Lily and is having one of his infinite bitter attacks, and then they overhear Hagrid confessing to Madame Maxime that he’s half giant, and mentions that she’s the same, which sets her off. Harry kind of Kanye Shrugs this off, but Ron lets Harry know that being part giant is actually a huge deal, since they are dangerous beings.
Cedric finds Harry after the ball and gives him some odd advice about the egg as return help for the dragon clue, and look, this is weird in the book, but it is even fucking weirder in the movies:
Er…Cedric? Is this…what is this…bud?
You couldn’t just…tell him to stick the egg underwater? Harry straight up told you it was dragons!
After his depressing encounter with Cedric wherein he’s told to bathe you filthy animal
before Cedric runs off with Cho, Harry walks in on Hermione and Ron screaming at each other about the Krum thing, and Hermione tells Ron to ask her first and not as a last resort next time, and sashays away, totally fabulous and right.
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Which was worse, Ron’s treatment of Hermione over Krum or him not believing Harry about entering the tournament?
Does Hermione’s lack of transformation bother you in the movie?
Do you believe Krum’s story on trying to get the courage to ask Hermione and that’s why he’d been going to the library?
Better Malfoy burn: Hagrid saying he’d turn Malfoy into a ferret as he’d heard he’d made a good one, or Hermione calling him a twitchy little ferret?
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