Chapter Eight: The Hearing
In chapter eight of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix , Fudge is an evil monster, we meet the most heinous villain in the series, and I almost burst a vessel in my brain from rage.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Incoming Breaking Dawn spoiler in the paragraph below!
Fair warning before we get into this, but Order of the Phoenix has always gotten me into a frothing, foaming-at-the-mouth rage, and this chapter is one of the kick-offs. I do not mean this as an insult. It’s not like when I read Breaking Dawn and got to the part where Bella has a demon baby eating her alive and threw the book across the room and didn’t pick it up for days. Yes this really happened. I’m not speaking in hyperbole for once. On the contrary, I believe it was JKR’s intention for us to be angry, and I’ve always been impressed at how deftly she pushes my buttons in this book on Harry’s behalf.
So Harry, an underage orphan who defeated the most evil wizard of all time, is being forced into a hearing in a room where convicted Death Eaters were tried, with no representation, no adult company, and thirty adult witches and wizards judging him and how is this legal?! What is the Ministry doing?!
Fudge insults Harry for being late which is BULLSHIT when they changed the trial time to three hours earlier on the same morning to make sure Harry misses the trial like evil assholes and how is it I’m angrier at the Ministry then Voldemort?
Percy’s there been a toad licking douche and NO I’m actually not going to defend him for once, his smug behavior towards Harry makes my rage nuclear levels of hot and I have no empathy for him at the moment.
Dumbledore shows up, the man of many names, and is like
at Fudge. who is quietly shitting himself with terror, as he should. Alas, he collects himself and begins interrogating Harry in such a repellent manor I long to shove his green bowler hat over his face. And then punch said face.
Right when I’m about to tear my book in two Harry is like “YEAH BITCH BECAUSE OF THE DEMENTORS I DID MAGIC” and Madam Bones is like “O Rly how impressive young sprog that you can do this advanced magic” while Fudge boils alive in his own incompetence.
Fudge has decided to try the “bitches with scars be crazy” strategy on Harry that Rita Repulsa so kindly set up last year for our boy, and says “oh la di da what a convenient story for why you produced a Patronus” as if there is literally any other reason for Harry to cast a Patronus spell other then a dementor. Seriously, WHY would Harry cast this spell if there wasn’t a dementor? That is the entire point of the spell!
Dumbledore waylays Fudge’s asshattery and is like btw we have the witness to the attack and Mrs. Figg comes in looking a bit nutty and clearly lies that she can see dementors when she can’t and what a damn soldier Mrs. Figg is! She knows what happened, she witnessed it, but she lies about actually seeing the dementors, a lie that could’ve really cost her, to help out Harry. She also deals with Fudge’s obvious disdain at her being a Squib and WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE PUNCH FUDGE FOR ME? Hermione? Hermione, where are you girl?
Fudge keeps trying to discredit Mrs. Figg and A-Dumbs is like “but of course the dementors are there you witless cretin we done told you about Voldemort controlling the dementors you stupid sackless fuck” but y’know…classier.
In case I wasn’t about to stroke out enough from anger, we meet her. Yes. You know who I mean.
No, not that monstrous evil witch! WORSE.
Within a few syllables, we discover that this pink hosebeast is our enemy. Is there anything more grating then a soulless, simpering toad woman who fake giggles to appear like a helpless little girl?
Fudge and Dumbledore have a truly horrifying dialogue where we find out Fudge is breaking the law repeatedly by attempting to expel Harry and confiscate his wand without caring about questioning witnesses, he threatens to change the law to get what he wants, and Dumbledore roasts him like a peanut (I apologize to all peanuts for this insult of comparing you to Fudge) and is like “wow I noticed you are planning on changing laws CORNELIUS because now you’re trying KIDS in a DUNGEON for saving their COUSINS WHO ALREADY KNOW ABOUT MAGIC from getting their souls sucked out you TOTAL WANKER.”
Madam Bones is like cool cool let’s vote for the innocent child and Harry gets cleared of all charges and Dumbledore squanders every ounce of my goodwill by ignoring Harry and sweeping out without a word to him. But frankly, even if Dumbledore had slapped Harry in the face before leaving he still wouldn’t draw my anger like Fudge had.
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Who is the most effective villain in the series to you?
How is Fudge getting away with this illegal activity?
What would’ve happened to Harry if Dumbledore hadn’t arrived?
Why doesn’t the Ministry ask Dudley what happened?
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