Chapter Seventeen: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four
In chapter seventeen of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Hermione’s jinxed everyone in the DA, Neville tries to kill Malfoy, and Snape and Umbridge do z-snaps in each other’s faces.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Because Umbridge lives to cause misery, (a human dementor in the form of squatty frog if you will) she’s disbanded all of the clubs in school and won’t reform them without permission. How is she possibly justifying doing this to the parents, you ask? The fuck if I know!
As this is obviously an attack on Harry and mostly likely an attempt to stop the DA, our heroes and co are FREAKING OUT but Hermione’s like don’t worry guys, we’ll know the culprit by the disfiguring permanent hex I’ve placed on them!
Harry makes his way to his weekly nap, sorry, I meant History of Magic, and this is yet another movie blunder. How hilarious would it have been to watch a magic lesson being taught by a ghost be...intensely boring?
Hedwig shows up with a mysterious busted wing and Binns, the only teacher alive or dead who doesn’t recognize Harry Potter is like “off you go Perkins, pip pip, go tell Headmaster Phineas Nigellus that you’re ill with the bubonic plague.”
McG is all “POTTER did you get detention again do I have to shove you into the forbidden forest with a unicorn murdering monster to get the point across” and then we’re off to Potions, where Malfoy can’t resist insulting the mentally addled, because god forbid he doesn’t check one of the odious piece of shit boxes on his BINGO!
Of course Neville loses it and tries to squash Malfoy into ferret goo and dammit Harry and Ron, let the boy hit Malfoy! It’s not like beating your classmate senseless really gets you punished at Hogwarts anyway!
Personal aside here, but years ago I took the Pottermore quiz very honestly to see what I’d get and was sorted into Gryffindor. I ruminated on it a bit, because I’m scared of some silly things and realized I’m a Neville. Occasionally, the bravery bursts out of me, but mostly lies dormant. This instance, where NevsLongs attacks Malfoy in a righteous rage reminds me of something I would do.
But let’s stop talking about the sadness of the Longbottoms being tortured into insanity and that haunting Neville, we’ve got a Umbridge/Snape showdown to get to!
Now, I haven’t whinged much about the Order of the Phoenix movie yet. Not because I think it’s a good adaptation, oh no. It’s perhaps the second worst IMO, yes even behind the convoluted mess of Goblet of Fire, which at least had heart and humor. Order of the Phoenix the movie has always struck me as kind of lifeless and dull, not a real Harry Potter adaptation at all. We get this rich, dense, dark book, and we get an empty movie with half the context and plot missing.
All of this to say like, the contrarian that I am, I love this Snape/Umbridge scene more in the movies:
Instead in the book we get a hate-off where Harry (and we the reader) can’t decide whom we want to end up shoved in a cauldron and left to drown more.
Let’s talk Crackpot theories!
Upon re-read, it occurred to me to wonder why Snape kept applying for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, knowing it’s cursed, and knowing that Dumbledore knows he’s a former Death Eater and former practitioner of the Dark Arts. Is it because it’s his dream, and his obsession, Dark Arts? Many seem to think so. Is it because he’s trying to make amends for being a Death Eater by training students? Personally, my crackpot theory is that 1: Snape is applying every year to keep up appearances to his former Death Eaters, and 2: Dumbledore only gives him the job when they both know Dumbledore’s dying and Snape will have to kill him, rendering the one year curse moot. What do you think?
Trelawney’s throwing a strop because her performance review was bad and *cough* can’t relate has never happened to me *cough*. Fred and George are puking into buckets and collecting money for it (no I will not clarify this out of context sentence) and Sirius’s head is broiling in the fire. Or, y’know, just sitting there for a chat.
Sirius is here to talk to our trio about illegal secret societies that could get them expelled and boy, is he happy! Get you a godfather that is proud of you for starting illicit study groups instead of one that buys you socks and vaguely asks you what you want to be when you grow up. But this delightful session of an adult man who is supposed to be responsible but is instead telling a group of teenagers to do something reckless (again, can’t relate at all coughcoughcough) is interrupted by a hag wearing gaudy jewelry.
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Should Ron and Harry have let Neville hit Malfoy?
Which character do you relate to?
Why does Snape apply to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher every year? Why does Dumbledore deny him?
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