Chapter Twenty-One: The Unknowable Room
In chapter twenty-one of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Harry ramps up his stalking of Malfoy, Snape’s moved on to bullying Ron, and Tonks is in desperate need of a gal pal.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Harry’s earmarking a spell “for enemies” to try out later because that sounds like a great idea, Harry, wtf, and then Dobby and Kreacher are reporting on Kreacher’s eternal crush on Malfoy, which of course leads to him dueling with Harry for Malfoy’s love. Oh, er…I mean… Kreacher reports on how hot he finds Malfoy’s butt, and Dobby is like “Draco is a bad, bad, boy” while Harry’s Drarry loving Chest Monster is like “yes, yes, tell me more, does he need a spanking?”
OK fine, Dobby actually tells Harry that D-Malfs is spending all his free time in the Room of Requirement and Harry figures out all those random young girls he’s been spotting Malfoy with are Crabbe and Goyle, which….alright. I’m going there. I’m not afraid to be inappropriate. How weird must it be to switch genders with Polyjuice Potion?! To go from being a 17 year old boy to a 12 year old girl?
Harry decides to stalk Malfoy in the Room of Requirement and think some truly Michael Scott approved instructions at it
I need to see the place where Malfoy keeps coming secretly
I need to see what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you
but it doesn’t work, and Harry’s late for his weekly abuse by Snape, where HPotz points out a ghost is transparent and an Inferi is a solid body while Snape sneers like that’s not helpful advice like an absolute jerkface. Ron rightfully points out said jerkface-ness and then oopsie, time for Snape to insult Ron’s inability to Apparate! Sev, my pathetic adult man who gets his jollies by tormenting children, how do you even know this? Why are you staring at Ron like a creeper during Apparition lessons?!
Speaking of total creepers staring at teenage boys, it’s Moaning Myrtle! And whaddya know, she’s still staring at teenage boys while they try to pee. Someone’s been visiting her and crying and it goes to show that Harry’s a better person then most of us when he later finds out that said person is Malfoy and doesn’t torment him for it forever.
Tonks is moping around looking poorly groomed, hungry, and morose, randomly weeping and HOLY SHIT I AM SORRY but this narrative is GROSS. You guys, you don’t need a man in your life to be happy! Rock that pink hair and show Remus what he’s missing Tonks ffs I hate this subplot so, so, so much!
Harry wonders if Tonks was in love with Sirius and feeling sad about his death and even though he was her cousin, I’m still less grossed out by this idea then the truth that she’s wasting away pining over Remus. Sure, I love REMUS LUPIN too, he’s amazing, but love yo self, Tonks! Take a spa day. Wear some red lipstick and a wacky outfit and go out drinking with the girls! Call up Fleur! Eat some chocolate and listen to Alanis Morissette and get a grip!*
*pro tips on getting over a person presented for free by yours truly
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Be honest: would you gender bend with Polyjuice Potion? (…I would)
How does Snape know Ron is struggling with Apparition?
How should Tonks deal with her relationship issues with Remus?
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