Chapter Twelve: The Polyjuice Potion
In chapter twelve of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Harry talks to the sorting hat, Ron almost punches out Malfoy whilst disguised as Crabbe, and Hermione becomes Catwoman.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Harry starts out where we ended last chapter, being dragged to Dumbledore’s flipping sweet office, where he can’t fully enjoy the ambiance because he’s asking the Sorting Hat questions and doesn’t like the Slytherin-y answers, and also, Dumbledore’s bird burst into flames and seems to die in front of him. Of course, Dumbledore shortly enters and conveniently explains all of Fawkes’s magical powers that certainly won’t come in handy later in the tale *cough* and Harry is left to stew on the fact that the hat said he’d do well in Slytherin, and also the fact that he lies to Dumbledore about whether he’d like to tell him anything, both of which let’s talk about.
For one, I think Harry wouldn’t have done well in Slytherin, solely because who would he have been friends with? Maybe one of the nameless girls, or Theodore Nott who we don’t know much of, but certainly not Draco and Crabbe N’Goyle, and from what we see of Zabini later on, not him either. So maybe Harry would’ve done well in some ways in Slytherin, but in my opinion he would’ve been very lonely.
Second, while I think it’s super believable that Harry doesn’t confide in Dumbledore at this point, I do wonder how much Dumbledore knows. He clearly thinks something is up enough to ask Harry if he’d like to say something, but perhaps he’s only worried about the bullying? Either way, it’s kind of fun to take this moment as proof of the wacky “Ron is Dumbledore theory” and move on.
Hagrid is the greatest as usual when he storms in and insists to Dumbledore that Harry’s innocent, and really it’s nice of him to stick his neck out when he must know that he’s currently the biggest suspect based on what happened to him fifty years previously, and basically Hagrid is the best, forever and always.
Everyone now thinks poor Harry is the heir of Slytherin even more then before, and Fred and George go around hilariously making fun of how ridiculous a concept this is, which has the added bonus of twisting Malfoy’s knickers.
Speaking of D-Malfs, our beloved little villain weirdly spends the holidays at Hogwarts which…is odd, no? What is up with that? Has Lucius ordered him to remain at Hogwarts for nefarious reasons? Considering Malfoy never does this before or after, I’ll have to assume this is why he stays instead of going home to be spoiled.
I’d also like to briefly mention how Ron and Hermione are legit some of the best friends a person can have. How many times does Hermione in particular spend holidays with Harry for support instead of with her own parents? For the New Year’s, I wish on you all to have friends as good as WeazGrange.
And it’s a good thing I’ve got these fuzzy feelings for Hermione, because then she does something unforgivable and wakes up Ron and Harry early, which to me is often a shanking offense. Let me sleep, friends and family! Let a girl sleeeeeeeep!
Our trio decides now is the ripe time for some casual drugging and impersonation, and Ron and Harry knock out Crabbe and Goyle and lock them in a closet, then drink their polyjuice potion, as disgusting as Crabbe and Goyle both look in liquidated form. True heroes, our trio.
Hermione hides and refuses to come out because she’s turned into a cat (look Hermione, some people would pay good money for that sort of thing) and our boys run into Penelope Clearwater from her rendevous with Percy and then Percy, who to his credit is equal justice for all with his punishments and pompously tells off Malfoy, “Crabbe,” and “Goyle.” Also, Percy actually recognizes Crabbe and come on Harry even Percy knows your classmates! Pull it together, mate! (To be fair Crabbe is one of the students Harry actually knows, love you Harry!)
Here I have to pause again for three interjections: one, Tom Felton’s improvised movie line is the greatest
two, how ridiculously evil is it that the Slytherins have pureblood as their common room password and how was this allowed but maybe they all lost their minds over being forced to live in a literal dungeon, and three, I DETEST that in the movies they kept Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe’s voices when they are morphed as Crabbe and Goyle. To me, this completely undermines the point of the Polyjuice Potion, which transforms you pretty seamlessly into another person, and makes us really suspend disbelief. Malfoy really didn’t notice that his cronies have entirely different voices?!
Anyway, our boys get a lot of info from Malfoy, who apart from being a overly gelled douche canoe is very accurate at mean impressions of people and should’ve probably looked into a career as a comic instead of being a bigoted ass professionally. But we find out the important facts that Malfoy is not the heir of Slytherin, he doesn’t know who it is either, the Chamber was opened fifty years ago, a Muggleborn died the last time it was open, Malfoy’s dad has a secret chamber of illegal goods of his own in their manor, and Malfoy is just as obsessed with our trio as we thought he was.
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Why doesn’t Harry confide in Dumbledore?
Why does the hat tell Harry he would’ve done well in Slytherin?
Why is Malfoy spending Christmas at Hogwarts when he made fun of Harry for this just the year before?
Do you agree or disagree with me about the polyjuice voices in the movies?
How did the Slytherins get away with having “pureblood” as a password?
And should Malfoy have become a comedian?
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