Chapter One: Owl Post
In chapter one of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Harry channels Hermione and actually wants to do homework, and Ron channels all of us and screams in Uncle Vernon’s ear.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
We open book 3 with Harry doing his best Hermione impression and doing homework for fun at night, hidden in his bed, and Harry is seriously one of the most wholesome teenagers of all time. Has an invisibility cloak? Uses it to help Hagrid and break into a library for books. Hides something from the adults in his life? Why, it’s homework! Never change, Harry. We get some info on one of his magic essay assignments and while some people might find this dull, I’m the nerd who loves reading about a fictional wizard writing about medieval witch burnings and how pointless they are.
Also, let’s pause I moment while I wax poetic about how Prisoner of Azkaban is my co favorite book of all the Potter books. Yes, I know I just spent tons of blogs talking about how Chamber of Secrets is my favorite Potter book, but really, I recognize that this book is the best in the series, no matter how much I nostalgically love the second book.
Unpause because it’s that time again. Yes, the Dursley’s are back, and they are still rancid human vomit squished into human suits.
Only someone as awful as Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, the relations from Hades, would lock your books in the cupboard under the stairs you spent ten years sleeping in so you’d fail in school. As usual, Uncle Worst and Aunt Trash haven’t thought this one through, since Harry failing school might make them laugh, but would also cause him to flunk out of school and come live at Privet Drive with them again, you absolute simpletons! Hermione, take this one for me:
Ron, bless his little ginger heart, has bungled his phone call to Harry by screaming into the phone and Uncle Vernon’s ear like a drunk sorority girl on Halloween and telling Uncle Vernon he’s a friend of Harry’s from Hogwarts, and then telling Hermione, who knows how to work a dang telephone not to call poor Harry.
To be fair to Ron, Harry probably should’ve talked him through this one before letting Ron loose on a Muggle invention.
So Harry is doing his homework under the covers and nothing else, we swear
And not even looking forward to his birthday because the Trash Monster Dursley’s have made his birthdays suck for so long he doesn’t even anticipate them like a normal kid and look, as contrary as I am with my opinions on who to like in fictional stories, even I can never defend Uncle Garbage Heap and Aunty Uptight Hag when they’ve caused a kid to shrug his own birthday.
Ron, Hermione and Hagrid come through for our boy because they are the best, name a more iconic trio of friends I’ll wait, and send Harry some awesome presents. Ron’s in Egypt, and I immediately covet Bill Weasley’s job as the coolest in the entire Harry Potter canon, aside from maybe Charlie, the dragon wrangler. Mr. Weasley’s won some money, Percy is Head Boy, and Scabbers is flaunting his missing toe’d paw in the newspaper like a dang fool. Didn’t think that one through, eh Peter?
Quick! It’s a sighting of Charlie, the elusive Movie Bigfoot of the Weasleys!
Hermione’s spent some hard cash on a very cool broomstick kit, proving once again you really want Miss Granger as a friend, and Hagrid’s got Harry a killer book that he says might come in handy…
…perhaps for attacking Malfoy mid lesson?
“Professor it wasn’t me! It was my killer book!I promise!”
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