Chapter Six: Talons and Tea Leaves
In chapter six of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Harry rides a Hippogriff, Malfoy is an odious little cretin as usual, and we meet one of my other favorite Professors in Harry Potter.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Harry starts off his first day back at Hogwarts with Malfoy being his usual dillweed self and pretending to faint like Harry. The Slytherins find this the height of comedy and the poor kids, they live in a dungeon and none of them have ever watched tv. Can we blame them?
Fred and George let Harry know Malfoy was actually terrified the day before when the dementors came as well and–hold up, random thought alert
but how come Fred and George never get a good prank in on Malfoy in the books? In the movies he gets attacked by some fireworks, and in our beloved books, George punches Malfoy repeatedly, but there were no pranks! I’m sure they were off busy with the crappy Slytherin bullies in their year, but now I’m sad we never saw some horrible embarrassment befall Malfoy on the twin’s behalf. I’m sure they would’ve thought of something amazing, too!
Hermione’s got a weirdly full schedule that she apparently is not hiding from her friends or thinking of a good explanation for aside from pulling an Obi Wan
but to be fair to our girl HermzG, she knows Harry and Ron will probably not figure it out, even if she’s waving the literal timeturner in their faces.
Narrator voice: And she was right
Our trio meets Sir Cadogan, a knight’s portrait who’s a bit Monty Python, and go to one of my very favorite classes in the Potterverse: Divination. Oh, not cause the subject itself is interesting, but because Trelawney is strange and awful and amusing in an entirely new way and I am here for it.
Trelawney is a very skilled charlatan, and I’m never quite sure how much she believes her own nonsense, but she comes up with some good predictions for the gullible in the class, and while Ron entertains the hell out of me with his tea reading, Hermione sees right through Trelawney’s absurdity like a boss. Harry finally gets rattled by a clump of tea leaves, instead of the killer convict out to murder him dead.
McG joins Hermione in scoffing at the thought of Harry dying this year, and look, do you guys have to torment Voldemort this way?! He’s trying, ok? But The-Boy-Who-Lived just refuses to fucking die, ok?!
JK Rowling breaks my heart when Hagrid, my most precious of hairy unicorns, doesn’t have the wonderful first class he deserves because Malfoy ruins it as usual and–quick, now’s your chance, book!
1997 Nick Carter isn’t paying attention, attack! Stop him before he openly mocks a Professor in class and gets away with it! Hagrid, dammit, channel McGonagall and give that little shit detention in the Forbidden Forest, where he might die and do you a favor! Look Malfoy grows into a more intersting character, but at this point in our tale, when he’s undermining my precious furry prince Hagrid I want to watch him get pounded into the ground.
Oh, thank you Hermione! A little early in the book, but I’ll take it!
Harry as usual is a treasure and tells Malfoy to cram it sideways, and everyone’s distracted by the very cool Hippogriffs that Hagrid is showing them. Malfoy is so distracted in fact, that he idiotically doesn’t listen to Hagrid’s really excellent lesson, sees Harry ride Buckbeak like a total badass
and insutls Buckbeak, the one thing Hagrid expressly told them not to do and GOD MALFOY HOW MANY WAYS CAN ONE BLEACHED BLONDE BOY SUCK?
And while I’m ranting, why did Dumbledore think putting the Slytherins and Gryffindors together AGAIN for POOR HAGRID’S FIRST LESSON was a good idea?! Can’t the Gryffindors ever catch a break with the studious Ravenclaws?!
Poor Hagrid is convinced Malfoy’s dying (Harry: LOL I wish)
and he’s going to get sacked, and even with these twin terrors running through his head, Hagrid is able to worry about Harry’s stupidity in wandering out after hours to comfort him.
Oh, Hagrid!
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So how come Fred and George never pull a prank on Malfoy?
Why doesn’t Hermione come up with a better story for her time-turner antics?
What do you think of Professor Trelawney?
Would you ride Buckbeak?
Did it hurt you that Hagrid’s first class went so badly?
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