Chapter Eight: Flight of the Fat Lady
In chapter eight of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Harry bonds with REMUS LUPIN, Ron and Hermione fight over pets, and it’s the return of Oliver Wood’s quest to win the Quidditch cup, an epic of a tale as Frodo carrying the ring to Mordor.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Back to our story and Malfoy is trying out his fledgling stand-up comedian act again, this time with some lighthearted class disparity aimed at Lupin, but this time no one is buying because REMUS LUPIN IS THE FUCKING BEST.
Snape’s swooping about, super mad (Harry: lol what else is new) because Neville shoved Boggart!Snape into Grandma Longbottom’s clothes and everyone rightfully thinks this is hilarious. Snape of course, takes this excuse to bully Neville even more because he is a grown ass adult who gets his kicks from bullying scared and basically orphaned children.
Trelawney is going around talking to Harry like he’s got the bubonic plague and is about to keel over at any second, much to his annoyance, and poor Hagrid is losing confidence teaching Care of Magical Creatures, in part two of a million part series in which J.K. Rowling breaks my heart by tormenting Hagrid by giving him something he deserves in a Professerorship and repeatedly making it awful for him when he could’ve been a great teacher.
But hold everything because it’s the return of Crazy Ass Oliver Wood and his quest to win Quidditch! Never, since Frodo has had to journey a bajillion miles through Middle Earth has one quest been so long, so epic, so full of orcs
Snivelling villains
and a plucky hero mucking everything up from time to time
It’s been seventeen years, and I’m still pissed that Oliver Wood was cut from the third movie.
Moving on, Crookshanks decides to eat a spider in front of everyone and look, I loved my cats as much as the next person but how come Ron is the only one really grossed out by this?! No one wants to see that, Hermione!
So Crookshanks tries to kill Peter Pettigrew for the umpteenth time and Ron and Hermione bicker and for once I’m on Ron’s side.
We get a sad little scene where Harry makes another desperate attempt to get permission to attend Hogsmeade by asking McGonagall to sign his form, and as sad as McG and I both find this, I also find it amusing Harry is about ten times more scared to ask her then he was Fudge, the Minister of Magic. Such is the power of The McGonagall! It’s like you give them one little detention where they almost get eaten by a blood sucking Quirrelldemort in a dangerous forest at night and it seems to make the children scared or something!
Percy continues his long streak of good intentions, bad delivery when he attempts to comfort Harry in the worst way humanly possible for missing out at Hogsmeade by saying how amazing everything is, but really, no big deal that Harry can’t go!
So poor Harry misses Hogsmeade, REMUS LUPIN pops up to comforts him, and they discuss the LV/Boggart sitch, and Harry surprises Lupin by wisely fearing fear itself. Lupin however, makes no mention of the fact that he was once good friends with Harry’s father and Remus, what are you doing, man? Why hide this?! Snape slithers in to give Lupin his Wolfsbane potion, freaking Harry the fuck out and making me wonder how Dumbledore talked Snape into doing this one.
We end our chapter with Sirius showing up and stabbing the portrait of the Fat Lady when she doesn’t let him into Gryffindor tower and wow, even more good choices from the Marauders! That won’t end badly for you at all!
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Are you also pissed Oliver Wood was cut from the third movie?
Are you on Hermione’s, Ron’s, or neither of their side in the great pet debate?
Scarier: McG or Fudge?
How did Dumbledore talk Snape into making the Wolfsbane potion?
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