Chapter Three: The Invitation
In chapter three of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Ron invites Harry to the Quidditch World Cup, Harry binge eats cake, and everyone else slowly starves to death on a quarter slice of grapefruit.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Dudley’s on a diet, and I wonder how on Earth anyone is supposed to live off of one quarter of one grapefruit without dying in a few days. WTF, Aunt Petunia?
Harry has upgraded to Cordelia Chase levels of trolling
and smugly eats his grapefruit, content in the knowledge that he’s eating secret cake for breakfast and look, aside from the tragic orphan thing, saving people complex, and the penis, Harry and I are basically the same person, ok?
Uncle Vernon bitches about his quarter slice of grapefruit, which is the first and last time I will ever agree with him, mark your calendars, because this way leads to starvation Petunia!!! At least eat a banana!
The Weasleys as usual fuck up around Muggles by writing Harry a letter with four billion stamps on it, and I contemplate not for the first time that Muggle Studies should be compulsory, alongside y’know, math, writing, and sex-ed. I weep that we were denied a chapter of McGonagall teaching the Gryffindors about safe sex and puberty, with a smash cut to the Slytherins hearing it from Snape, scarring them for life.
Malfoy: I swear to Salazar Slytherin himself Crabbe, it was worse then that time I saw the Dark Lord drinking unicorn blood!
Because Uncle Asswipe can never have a speck of fun or imagination in his presence, thank you very much, he freaks out at this invitation with lots of stamps, has an internal battle over making Harry happy by letting him go or keeping Harry around and making everyone miserable.
Harry’s finally had enough of this shit and decides to namedrop Sirius, y’know, his allegedly murderous godfather who knows where the Dursley’s sleep.
Uncle Vernon:
Harry’s troll mastery works, and he gets to go the Quidditch cup, where surely nothing will go wrong because Harry is allowed to have fun without Voldemort-y shenanigans, right?
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Does this chapter make anyone else really hungry?
I relate to Harry a lot, which character resonates with you?
Why is Dudley being overweight such a plot point in the books?
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