Chapter Ten: Luna Lovegood
In chapter ten of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Harry gets startled by a thestral, Neville attacks everyone with plant pus, and we meet one of my top five favorite characters!
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
George and Fred try to murder Ginny because they haven’t got Percy to tease anymore–oh, fine, they accidentally knock her down the stairs because they are super reckless with magic–and everyone’s running late, so late Mrs. Weasley doesn’t argue long when Sirius decides to accompany Harry as Padfoot. (Speaking of being super reckless with magic!) This is obviously a bad idea but it’s just as clearly to me totally understandable as to why Sirius desperately needs some sun on his flesh.
Ron and Hermione go off to be unpaid child slave labor as prefects and can someone explain to me why you’d actually want to be a prefect? Sure, it looks good when you apply for jobs I suppose? Maybe you’d enjoy it if you’re a sociopath/bully who likes power over your peers? *coughMALFOYcough* But otherwise, it’s just a lot of work for no reward.
Harry does his awkward best not to look upset at this development and he and Ginny run into Neville, who says there aren’t any seats left on the train, and I’ve always wondered why the Hogwarts express is so full? Surely, they should’ve built a train that holds a larger capacity in case of class fluctuation year to year? I know, I know, the answer is probably that the Hogwarts Express changes sizes every year for class size adjustment because…
But why am I talking about any of this?! Nothing compares to the absolute perfection that is LUNA LOVEGOOD. This boss ass bitch doesn’t care that no one sits with her. She doesn’t care that everyone thinks she’s weird. She’s just going to do her own thing, as a teenager, when this very self-confident behavior is hardest, and live her best life.
Oh, Luna! If only we could all be more like you my weirdo Empress!
Ginny has a moment that I simultaneously think is kind of mean girls and also, if I’m being honest, something I would’ve done at her age, no question. She refers to Luna as “Loony” Lovegood behind her back and giggles at lot at her. The key to me is that Ginny is perfectly polite to Luna when she’s paying attention to Ginny. And to be honest, Luna really is a strange duck. Ginny further proves her merit by correcting Neville when he says he’s nobody to Luna.
Neville’s gotta Neville and he shows off to everyone his summer present of…a STD ridden cactus. Er, I mean, Mimbulus mimbletonia. He then pokes his cactus
which leads to everyone getting covered in dark green pus goo right when the popular, hot Cho Chang shows up to attempt to flirt with a plank of dense wood. Oh, sorry, I meant, flirt with Harry! Suave, Neville and Harry.
Ron and Hermione show up to give us the tragic news that Dumbledore has a brain tumor and has started making nonsensical choices due to it. What’s that, you say? Dumbledore’s brain is fine? Errrr. Um. Rewind. OK, Dumbledore has channeled the trolling part of his brain that hired Severus Snape and a ghost to teach children, and has made Pansy
and Malfoy
Slytherin’s new prefects. GodDAMMIT Dumbledore! I know Crabbe and Goyle weren’t options, but Nott and Zabini weren’t?! They can’t possibly be worse then the bleached ferret’s anus that is Malfoy!
I guess Pansy was unavoidable, but again I ask…
Yeah all five of them would be a mess. Just give it to another Ravenclaw boy! 😂
— Hermione’s Library (@HSecretLibrary) June 7, 2019
Can’t we just give the Slytherin prefect badges away to some more responsible Ravenclaws?!
Luna pops up to be awkward at Ron about being a shitty date to Padma Patil at the Yule Ball and SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT RON, and then when Ron gets off a pretty good one-liner about Goyle being a baboon’s asscheek Luna freaks out because she’s never had friends and heard a joke not directed at her (my interpretation) and rolls around cry-laughing while Ron makes a note for his resume that he’s made someone potentially pee themselves with laughter.
Harry takes this opportunity to read the magazine Luna’s been reading this whole time, The Quibbler, which sounds like the best magazine in the entire wizarding world to me. Wild conspiracy theories?
Hatchet jobs on Fudge implying he bakes his enemies in pies?
Give me this wizard National Enquirer, stat!
My homegirl Hermione steps in it when she insults The Quibbler in front of everyone and Luna’s like “hey cat-face my dad’s the editor” and really, this is a bad moment for Hermione. Sure it makes sense she doesn’t know this. However, she DOES know Luna was just reading the magazine right in front of her! And therefore, probably likes it! Hermione, save your shit talking to when Luna isn’t there, like Ginny!
The Bleached Ferret Anus shows up with Dumb and Dumber to taunt Harry because he’s spent all of his summer writing a twelve act play in which he pwns Harry hard in front of EVERYONE and he’s just dying to put on Act 1, Scene 1: I, Unlike You, Are a Prefect. Sadly, Harry’s forgotten his line, which Draco has carefully written as “Draco, whyever did I not shake your hand! Forsooth! For I have chosen a ginger monkey man as my best friend! Alas, my scar has made me mad. Forthwith, I shall always be your bestie. Love you!” and instead slams Draco like they’re in a wrestling ring.
“Manners, Potter, or I’ll have to give you a detention,” drawled Malfoy, whose sleek blond hair and pointed chin were just like his father’s.“You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.” “Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git, so get out and leave us alone.”
Burned by this scalding hot comeback, Malfoy whimpers some lame line about Harry being jealous of Ron, but then zings that he knows Sirius was prancing around in Padfoot form, although for once he’s being subtle enough that Ron and Ginny don’t catch it.
Hagrid’s mysteriously missing when the kids get off the train, and Harry’s confronted with the dragon skeleton things pulling the carriages that he’s never seen before, and no one else seems to be seeing…except for Luna.
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Was Sirius wrong to leave the house as Padfoot?
Would you want to be a Prefect?
Would you read The Quibbler?
Why does Dumbledore make Malfoy and Pansy prefects?
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