Chapter Twelve: Professor Umbridge
In chapter twelve of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Hermione sasses a teacher for the second time, Professor McG offers up her biscuits, and I’m as proud of Harry as if he’s my own son.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Harry’s still salty as FUCK about Seamus from the night before, and after Ron wilts under the force of Hermione trying to make him control the twins, Harry takes out his Seamus-rage on Hermione when she says Lavender also thinks Harry’s pants are on fire from all the lying. Um. Harry? I was on your side with all of the CAPSLOCKING up until this ridiculous point. Hermione, to her credit, points out Harry’s being a dingus and Harry, also to his credit, apologizes in shame.
Hermione quotes Dumbledore’s speech from the year before word for word and I’d like to discuss something quick here I’ve wondered for awhile. Does Hermione have a photographic memory? Yes, she likes to read, but she seems to retain knowledge at an unusual rate. She also seems to regurgitate info word for word.
Angelina Johnson shows up to remind us that OLIVER WOOD, QUIDDITCH LUNATIC EXTRAORDINAIRE exists and thanks, Angelina!
We have an interlude with the twins where they almost are like “lol thanks for the gold for our joke shop Harry” because they’ve lost all stealth, and our trio discusses future careers and heh heh heh. Heh heh. Oh, sorry, I was just cackling in anticipation of that future chapter with McG being a BAMF.
Cho pops up to talk to Harry and Ron acts like a total aggressive gate-keeping weirdo about Cho’s relationship with her favorite Quidditch team and Hermione and I are both like wtf Ron.
Snape’s a bullying asshole to Hermione, Neville, and Hermione per uze, and don’t turn “Snape’s a bullying asshole” into a drinking game or you’ll die.
At lunch Hermione and Ron start unrelentingly bickering again and HARRY POTTER WHAT ARE YOU DOING. No no, not the telling Ron and Hermione to shove their fighting up their perky butts. He left his shepherd’s pie, the most glorious dish of the British, uneaten! UNEATEN!!!
Oh and even though he’s being a jerk to them, someone has to tell Ron and Hermione to stop fighting for five minutes, for the love of god.
It’s Ron’s turn to be like “hey Harry remember how we are awesome friends so stop yelling at us” and at this point, WeazGrange should put a shock collar around Harry and jolt him whenever he CAPSLOCKS at them, right?
Speaking of shock collars! Brace yourself, because this is the original chapter that made me grip my book on first read and attempt to dive into the pages so I could pound Umbridge into pepto bismol colored jelly myself.
The pink toad starts off by treating everyone like four-year-olds chanting a greeting to her, doubles down by making them copy waffle as their course aims, and triples down by sitting while they read in silence. YOU HAG THIS ISN’T TEACHING.
Harry reads for ten seconds before he grows bored and notices that Hermione is having a one woman silent showdown with Umbridge. When she finally gets the attention of the pile of pink fuzz and evil that is Umbridge the toad reveals she won’t be teaching anyone anything then how to read a useless book in silence and all hell breaks loose. I couldn’t be prouder of most of the class when Dean, Parvati, Ron, Hermione, and Harry argue with Umbridge about how incredibly dumb this is. Because we’re dealing with this Harry
Harry throws gasoline on Umbridge and lights a match when he’s like “Hey remember how Lord Voldemort tried to kill me for the millionth time last year and that’s why we need to learn you dumb ho,” and everyone’s all
while Harry makes me so proud it’s like I gave birth to his sassy ass myself. I forever will stan Harry Potter the man, the myth, the legend when he stands up for Cedric and his awful, pointless death in front of Umbridge and everyone, consequences be damned.
(Random aside here but we find out that Harry is yelling in front of “thirty of his classmates” and what the what? Who are these other 22 students that are unnamed, and forever unmentioned?)
Umbridge has enough of Harry’s savage truth bombs and sends him out to see McG, who instead of giving her usual death detention is like “eat my biscuits Potter,” and tells him to control his damn temper. Minerva, spend two minutes with that lump of cotton candy and satan’s taint that is Umbridge and get back to us about your controlled emotions. But I will take that biscuit!
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Does Hermione have a photographic memory?
Where do you stand on Harry telling Hermione and Ron to stop fighting?
What are your thoughts on Harry’s fight with Umbridge?
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