Chapter Thirteen: Detention With Delores
In chapter thirteen of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Ron tries out for the Quidditch team, Ernie and Luna make Team Harry t-shirts, and Umbridge is a sadist wrapped in pink bubble wrap.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
HPotz is feeling the repercussions of telling Umbridge to get stuffed, with the school loudly gossiping about him one foot away in an attempt to trigger his CAPSLOCK RAGE about Cedric’s death, and the twins are feeling the repercussions of Hermione’s rage when she catches them testing products on innocent first years. I adore Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes and their fabulous products but Hermione is a million percent right here. Ron fails another test of his prefect ability when he fails to assist. But Hermione can’t let Ron get all the negativity here, and she reveals she’s been trying to free unsuspecting house elves and LOOK HERMIONE THIS IS NOT OK. Your heart is in the right place, but this is trickery and not acceptable behavior.
The trio has Care of Magical Creatures with Grubbly-Plank who has two names, both terrible, and also gives a great lesson. Sigh. Oh, Hagrid my giant hairy prince, how this hurts me.
My bizarro queen Luna Lovegood shows up rocking the fuck out of her radish earrings, yeah you heard me Lavender and Parvati and she loudly tells Harry that she believes everything he claims about Lord V.
Because Hermione’s got to hurt me this chapter with her gross behavior she insults Luna in front of everyone and then tells Harry he doesn’t need Luna’s support because she’s a conspiracy theorist who only believes in the impossible. So what you’re telling me is that Luna is Fox “Spooky” Mulder inside the body of a teenage girl, and that’s supposed to make me not like her, Hermione?!
Because Ernie MacMillan is an underrated prince and a loyal soldier to Harry, he’s like “hold up you’re all laughing at radish girl which: understandable but I’m sane and awesome and I also believe Harry Potter, full stop, end of story.”
This gets Seamus and the other haters like
and Harry, I know Ernie is pompous but appreciate the kid more!
Angelina Johnson shows up to remind me about Oliver Wood’s hilarious existence some more and thanks again, Ange! I always enjoy remembering his antics.
(No I am NOT just posting this gif to remind you that I was there that night and also met Sean Biggerstaff, what do you take me for?! That’s only 70% of the reason I’m posting this gif thankyouverymuch.)
So Angelina is like “GOD HARRY why did you get detention now I can’t have you at tryouts even though the Seeker has nothing to do with the Keeper” and Harry’s all “right ANGELINA like I want to locked up with Toad face she might suffocate me under a mountain of pink jumpers” and somehow she talks Harry into asking Umbridge for a favor and WHY WHY WHY.
Harry walks into hell
and I am super impressed that Harry actually tries to get out of detention with Umbridge, knowing it’s doomed to fail and knowing she’ll enjoy turning him down. WOW, Harry, that’s mature of you.
If you somehow read this book without hating Umbridge with every fiber of your being, that is surely to end at this point, when Harry finds out his punishment is to write “I must not tell lies” with a quill that CUTS THE LINE INTO HIS HAND WHAT WHAT WHAT.
Hey, Umbridge?
How is this legal? Why is Harry not screaming to the mountaintops, McG, his dastardly friends the twins, WeazGrange, Sirius, ANYONE what is happening?! Also, I’m really not sure why Umbridge isn’t a Death Eater when she enjoys sadism and we find out later she’s a pure-blood supremacist. I suppose she’s so rancid even they don’t want her.
So Harry’s hiding his torture and Ron is hiding the fact that he’s trying out for Quidditch because the twins have torn down his self-esteem so much he’s embarrassed to even admit that he wants it and DANG Fred and George! This is when your brotherly teasing has gone too far, boys!
Ron tries out while Harry is getting his hand cut open by a raging lunatic who gets off on torturing heroic 15-year-old boys and we find out Ron makes the team…but it’s a tad ominous when Angelina informs Harry that Ron isn’t super great. I’m sure that won’t turn into a soul crushing subplot!
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Why doesn’t Harry tell anyone what Umbridge is doing to him?
What are your thoughts on Hermione covering her knitted hats with garbage to trick the house elves?
Should Ernie be appreciated more?
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