Chapter Thirty-One: O.W.L.S.
In chapter thirty-one of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Hagrid channels us all by attacking Ministry employees, Aurors try to kill McGonagall, and Harry sees Sirius in Voldemort’s grasp.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Ron’s off doing his best James impression after winning the Quidditch cup (sans the casual bullying, which…I can’t be the only one who would’ve laughed at Ron flashing D-Malf’s panties, no?…yes? …I’ll see myself out.)
GrangePotz have to burst his bubble that they didn’t see the match at all and while Ron wilts like a snowbird in Florida in August, they tell him about Hagrid’s wacky plan for Grawp.
Exams are upon our heroes, and if you read this chapter and then woke up in a cold sweat screaming “but I never understood Algebra Principal Skinner!” then you aren’t the only one getting the twitches from this exam trauma.
Harry slaughters his Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL right in front of Toady McToad, and let’s discuss…how did the students in 5th and 7th year do on their exams for Defense Against the Dark Arts who WEREN’T in the DA? And did the Ministry ever compensate what was surely an entire two years worth of students who did poorly because of their shitty, evil appointment of Umbridge? Who am I kidding, of course they didn’t. Because the Ministry is garbage.
In case you needed your nine thousandth proof that Snape is a terrible teacher, Harry and Neville both do fine in their Potions OWL without him there being a creep and punishing them over his Lily issues, then Ron and Harry fail Divination so badly they probably would’ve done better if they’d fallen asleep and claimed they were having a premonition while they drooled. Ron gets off a good one-liner that I’d be remiss if I didn’t include:
“From now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell ‘Die, Ron, Die,’ I’m chucking them in the bin where they belong.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
and then it’s time for the Astronomy examination, where things go from zero to Marty McFly time traveling at 88 miles per hour.
While the 5th years fiddle with telescopes, Hagrid is attacked by Ministry employees who are for some reason trying to arrest him? For being a bad teacher or something? Anyway, they’ve forgotten Hagrid may be lovable and cuddly but he will fucking get you if you enrage him and he’s part giant, so while they try to stun him, Hagrid pummels them into the dirt.
Proving YET AGAIN how the wizarding world is ass backwards the exam isn’t stopped, suspended, or had additional time added to it, and the 5th years stop looking at Uranus or whatever and watch as Hagrid punches Aurors, McG tries to stop it, and gets stunned illegally for no reason and HOW ARE PEOPLE NOT IN AZKABAN FOR THIS?!? They attack two innocent professors, potentially killing one and for no other reason then that Fudge is power mad, and somehow Harry, who does a tiny bit of underaged magic has more consequences for his actions. Ah, government!
In case this wasn’t a horrible enough end to their Astronomy exam, the 5th years have got History of Magic the next day, wherein this occurs:
Oh, and then Harry falls asleep and sees Sirius being tortured by Voldy. Good luck remembering when the Goblin’s twelfth uprising occurred, Harry!
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So did the Ministry ever curve the exam scores/cut the students some slack for the DADA exam? How about the Astronomy exam?
How does the Ministry face no consequences for almost killing McGonagall?
Which one of the three exam taker types are you?
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