Chapter Fourteen: Felix Felicis
In chapter fourteen of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Harry, poor soul, is infected by a parasite in his chest that acts up whenever Ginny is around–what’s that? You say it’s a metaphor for puberty? Someone pass me a paper bag to breathe into to get through this.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Everyone grab onto your puke buckets, because here is where the *deepbreathsohgoddeepbreaths* teen romance really enters our story and I take back all my complaining about Harry stalking Malfoy please give me twelve more scenes of Harry staring at the map and stabbing a Malfoy voodoo doll while heavy breathing.
No one listens to me because instead we get Romione’s painfully horrible beginnings. Ron’s whinging on about the Slug Club because while Hermione and Harry are always happy for Ron’s successes, he’s kind of an ungracious jealous whiner about their successes YES I SAID IT. Hermione’s like “oh well I was going to ask you to the party but you think it’s lame so McLaggen it is I guess” and Harry’s like “NO PLEASE NO” and OK, the scenes with Harry suffering through Romione are HILARIOUS.
Harry suddenly wished the pod had flown a little farther, so that he need not have been sitting here with the pair of them. Unnoticed by either, he seized the bowl that contained the pod and began to try and open it by the noisiest and most energetic means he could think of; unfortunately, he could still hear every word of their conversation.
~
There was a pause while Harry continued to pound the resilient pod with a trowel.
~
Harry missed the pod, hit the bowl, and shattered it.
Bless you Harry for trying to block out this mess for me! Harry’s got a great point when he worries about how a WeazGrange relationship would potentially destroy the trio’s dynamic because let’s be real, he’s one billion percent right and it’s sad and reminds me how when my oldest sister got married and it forever changed our sibling dynamic. Growing up is a series of depressing moments reminding you your life will constantly change, y’all.
Dean gets added to the team, Ron sucks at Quidditch some more (…I’m really over the Ron has no self esteem subplot I’m sorry to say) and then NO ABORT ABORT HARRY NO RUN BEFORE THE CHEST MONSTER GETS YOU!
It’s too late for our boy hero, sadly, and he’s infected by an irrational CHEST MONSTER that has decided even though Harry has not given a shit about Ginny romantically for almost six years he’s suddenly jealous and possessive about Ginny snogging Dean.
“Yeah it is!” said Ron, just as angrily. “D’you think I want people saying my sister’s a—“
“A what?” shouted Ginny, drawing her wand. “A what, exactly?”
“He doesn’t mean anything, Ginny—“ said Harry automatically, though the monster was roaring its approval of Ron’s words
GROSS Harry, although I’ll be generous and say it’s the parasitic CHEST MONSTER infecting you and turning you into one of THOSE guys.
Yeah OK so this is all a metaphor for puberty and hormones etc but it’s…not good. Harry pictures himself snogging Ginny and “the monster in his chest purred” NOOOoooooOOOOoooo please make it stop! Quick Malfoy, do something suspicious in front of Harry again! I beg you!
Ginny and Ron fight, poor Hermione snogging Krum gets dragged into it (thanks a lot Ginny) and then Ron turns into a huge asshole who bullies the other members of the Quidditch team and Ron I am really over you this chapter, bro. Someone slap him.
Poor, poor Hermione gets dragged into this nonsense even more when Harry purposely fakes drugging Ron with Felix Felicis before the match so she notices and alerts Ron, giving him the confidence to win the match.
Mid match the CHEST MONSTER is distracted and the MALFOY IS A DEATH EATER monster is activated instead when Harry realizes D-Malfs isn’t playing Quidditch which is extremely suspicious but maybe he’s just sick of Harry kicking his ass every single year.
Ginny 2.0 gets in a good one finally when she attacks Zacharias Smith, who for some reason was given a microphone to shit all over Harry the whole game. Real talk: is Zacharias Smith obsessed with Harry the same way D-Malfs is? Does he desperately wish to be Harry’s nemesis and will do anything to get his attention, only to repeatedly fail? Look Z-Smith, Harry’s only got room for his Malfoy obsession and the CHEST MONSTER okay? CAPSLOCK!HARRY has already had to die to make way for those two!
Poor, poor, poor, poor Hermione confronts Harry for his flagrant cheating with the Felix Felicis, and Ron and Hermione find out Harry was bluffing to give Ron confidence, which makes Ron angry at Hermione for not believing in him (sigh Ron you are such a needy pill this chapter for real) and THEN he makes out with Lavender in the grossest way ever.
Can’t someone give Hermione a break this chapter?!
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What is worse this chapter: Romione or the CHEST MONSTER? Or do you enjoy both?
Would Ron and Hermoine dating at this point change the trio’s dynamic? If so, how?
Why does Zacharias have it out for Harry?
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