Chapter Twenty-Four: Sectumsempra
In chapter twenty-four of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Harry and Malfoy try to kill each other, Snape’s pettiness knows no bounds, and the CHEST MONSTER emerges triumphant.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Ron and Lavender have broken up, so all we need is for the Chest Monster and Romione to never show up again for me to be happy. (Spoiler: this chapter will hurt me.)
Alas, Harry’s lower intestine is conga-ing since Dean and Ginny split up and my lower intestine tells me to get fucked for reading about the Chest Monster. Y’all why couldn’t we have gotten Harry/Luna, dammit?! Or Harry/Hermione, born of mutual respect? Or Harry/Forever Alone? Hell I’d take Drarry at this point.
Instead of recapping more Hinny pain I’ll quote this Movies in 15 Minutes moment instead, since I forgot to do it when Katie got cursed.
HERMIONE: AUGH MY SWEATER
RON: AUGH MY SISTER
HARRY: AUGH MY CHEST MONSTER
Cleolinda Movies in 15 Minutes
AUGH YOUR RECAPPER. Ahem.
Katie’s back and she’s pretty cheerful considering someone stole most of her seventh year from her and she almost died. Alas, she can’t remember that it was a Malfoy cursed Madam Rosmerta who Imperiused her. (Side note but how does a Russian Nesting Doll Imperius work? Is Malfoy so powerful he can make an Imperiused person Imperius another?)
Poor Dean’s having a rough week. Not only does he get dumped by Ginny, but he’s kicked off the Quidditch team now that Katie’s back. Don’t worry Dean, JKR HATES writing Quidditch scenes now so you’ll be back flying soon!
Harry’s still thinking about banging his bff’s baby sister that he didn’t notice for five plus years when he is distracted by his other love this book: stalking Draco Malfoy. Who, as it turns out, is crying over a sink to Moaning Myrtle. Let’s just soak in how incredibly low you have sunk to have Moaning Myrtle as your only confidant.
If this were a fanfic, this moment where Harry sees Malfoy crying would be the time these enemies would finally bond, Harry would help Draco go the right side, and they’d skip off hand in hand while the Chest Monster dies. Instead, JKR hurts us as all spectacular authors do and the boys have a horrible duel miles away from the ridiculous kiddie fight of book two and Malfoy legit tries to cast Crucio on Harry. Errrr. Draco? Maybe just Obliviate him you dumbass? since Crucio gives you a sentence to Azkaban? OR! Maybe he’s trying to get sent to Azkaban to get out of killing Dumbles? Harry’s like whelp time to try out this mysterious spell for enemies and cast’s Snape curse of Sectumsempra, almost killing Malfoy to death.
Moaning Myrtle summons Malfoy’s other stalker, Sev Snape, who heals him then Legilimens Harry since no one ever bothered to teach him how to block that shit even after it kind of proved an important ability for him to have.
So Harry hides his potions book, certainly not near a Horcrux or anything, and Snape’s like “so Roonil Wazlib this is a terrible nickname, unlike pretending you’re royalty like me” and gives Harry detention with him forever. You know, this is kind of a time that Harry getting expelled would’ve maybe been justified…? Since he almost killed Malfoy? But Hogwarts has gotta Hogwarts and instead he has to miss Quidditch, a fate worse then death to Snape.
Somehow I detest both Hermione and Ginny when the former needles Harry about the book in the most naggy way humanly possible, kicking her bff when he’s down, and the latter goes too snotty in her retort to defend Harry. Ugh, both of you kind of suck this book, ok? Only my queen Luna Lovegood escapes Half-Blood Prince with her awesome intact. Thank god Hermione reverts to my fave badass bookworm next book is all I’ll say.
In part ten million of Snape Was Noble in Protecting Harry But a Raging Arse in Every Other Way Harry’s detention is writing out old punishment cards for Filch…for the years dear old Papa Potter and Sirius were in school. Jesus God Snape, you’ve won! James literally died at the age of twenty-one! Sirius spent his entire youth in Azkaban for a crime he didn’t commit and then was murdered by his blood cousin! I’m sorry you didn’t get Lily (narrator: your recapper was not sorry) but move. The Fuck. On.
Dean’s shitty, shitty week is ended by being forced to watch his roommate and friend break bro code and tongue his ex girlfriend in front of everyone and wow guys, do that somewhere else please!
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How is Rosmerta able to Imperius another person while under the Imperius herself?
Why does Malfoy shoot Crucio at Harry during the duel?
How come Harry is not expelled?
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