My Top 5 Tips for Working with Teens
For many years I’ve been a teen librarian working primarily with teenagers and tweens between the ages of 11-19. I find this a highly rewarding experience that’s at turns fulfilling, hilarious, and heart-breaking. I know I’m the odd duck who enjoys working with teenagers. Many other people find teens to be a source of anxiety. That’s why I’d love to pass along some of my tips for working with teens, whether you’re a librarian, teacher, sibling, parent, mentor, or leader. You can go forth feeling confident in your abilities!
1. Treat them like adults (to an extent)
This might make you balk–but hey, they’re not adults! Of course they’re not. But they are almost adults. We let them vote at 18. We let them on juries and join the military as well. So why treat a 17 year old like a child? I’ve witnessed colleagues speaking to 16-year-old interns like they’re small children, complete with fakey sweet voice and everything. I can confirm, teenagers hate this. I have a distinct memory of said high school intern throwing “help me” eyes in my direction while this occurred. If you want a one-way ticket to a teenager never confiding in you about anything, never speaking to you on a normal level, never trusting you or liking you, speak to them in a sugary sweet “what do you want to be when you grow up young lady/man” voice. However, for those of you who want to actually foster a good relationship with the teen or teens in your life, talk to them in a normal tone of voice. You can censor yourself to an extent. For instance, I’m big on swearing in my personal life. But at work as a teen librarian, I omit this type of speech. I obviously also wouldn’t speak on highly controversial topics or sexual topics. (Although you should do this if you’re a parent or sibling to a teen.) But talk to them normally, and you’ll be amazed at how much more they’re willing to listen to you and open up. This leads to my next tip.
2. Listen to them and take them seriously
This is good advice for all people, not just teens, but listen to the teens you mentor and really pay attention. Occasionally, my teens after they learned that I genuinely cared about them would confide painful things to me and I would try my best to help. For an example, I had a teen who came into the library crying because her mother had just told her she wished she’d never been born. I doubt she would’ve said this to me if I hadn’t spent time listening to her about school, her friends, her future plans, etc. A lot of times teenagers aren’t spoken to and listened to by adults except for the aforementioned “what do you want to be when you grow up” nonsense, so it’s imperative for their self esteem to feel heard and valued. A lot of people seem to think teenagers have trivial problems and/or easy lives, that they’re silly and their feelings/opinions are frivolous. I assure you that teenagers are in one of the most critical periods of their lives, where things are in transition, where they are hurting or confused or stressed or insecure, and they don’t need to be dismissed as “teenagers” with an eye-roll. Having said that, you can still jest with teenagers in a jovial manner. “Take them seriously” doesn’t mean only act like a very stern teacher around them. It just means don’t dismiss them as hormonal, immature, or prone to overreaction.
3. Be light hearted with them
This might seem like a direct contradiction of the previous tip, but it’s important to walk the line between taking a teen seriously and joking in a kind way with them. Especially as a librarian, I would never get teens back to my programs if I was dry and boring with them during programs. Keep the jokes light and self deprecating. I find these work best. An adult a teenager relaxes around is an adult they can trust and confide in if they need to. I’ll give you an example. One of my long term teen book club members who went on to became an intern at our library randomly got onto a discussion with me on the fashion I wore when I was a teenager. I showed her pictures of JNCO’s and we laughed together about how bad they were.
4. Remember what it’s like to be a teenager
For some of us it’s getting increasingly longer since we’ve been a teenager, but it’s still important to remember how it was. What things felt frustrating and unfair to you? Did you rebel and if so, why? Be sympathetic to the fact that their brains haven’t fully developed and a lot of their more confounding behaviors to an adult is literally not their fault. I recommend this highly informative scientific documentary by PBS called “Inside the Teenage Brain.” I encounter a lot of adults who have seemingly forgotten the trials and tribulations of being a teenager and have adopted a “I rolled snow uphill both ways to get to school which was a woven palm frond shack where we ate beetles for lunch so stop whining” type of attitude toward teens. These adults are wrong and have one billion perfect forgotten what they were actually like as teens. Don’t believe me? Find some evidence of you as a youth (for me, I have some old notebooks I wrote in with my friends) and cringe at how you wrote/spoke/behave. It does no good to be obstinate about your thoughts on how a teen should behave, and it also will make absolutely sure the teen(s) will not listen to you and your opinion in the slightest.
5. Don’t try to be cool
My last tip I consider just as vital as my first tip: don’t ever, ever, EVER try to be cool to a teenager. I actually learned this gem from my mom and she was right. It doesn’t matter how old you are. When I first worked with teens I was around 25 and they already thought I was ancient and uncool. The way to get them to think you are “cool” is simple: don’t try to be cool. Don’ t use their slang unless you’re poking fun at yourself for being out of touch. Don’t try to tell them how much you like the trendiest heartthrob. You can and should talk about their tv shows, movies, and books and have lively discussions. (I had an ongoing series of amusing chats about the merits of the hilariously awful tv show “Reign” with a group of girls who attended my teen book club). I realize this is a fine distinction, but they do appreciate your knowledge of their trends and culture, as long as you don’t try to appropriate them like so:
I promise that these tips work! I actually have ended up being friends with more then one of my former teen volunteers (once they reached adult age and no longer were working for me) and those friendships have endured to this day. You don’t have to aim for this (especially if you find this a conflict of interest) but if you treat teens with respect and dignity and a little humor, you’ll enjoy the results of rewarding relationships.
Share your tips for working with teens with me below! If you’re looking to start your own Teen Book Club check out my highly detailed post on how!
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