Chapter Fourteen: Cornelius Fudge
In chapter fourteen of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets we meet the hapless Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, Oliver Wood cries in a dark corner for seventeen hours straight when Quidditch is cancelled, and we meet Lucius Malfoy’s fabulous hair bow.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
We open up our chapter with our trio —okay pause a second, can we discuss the poop thing from Pottermore?!!
What the hell is this!?! https://t.co/SICNLsFxCM
— Hermione’s Library (@HSecretLibrary) January 5, 2019
No? Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Our trio is discussing the possibility of Hagrid’s guilt concerning the monster in the Chamber of Secrets, and I think we can all agree that while it’s more then likely Hagrid would accidentally set a monster loose thinking it’s cuddly, he certainly wouldn’t be attacking Muggleborns and have a secret alternate identity. Yes he was expelled at the right time, and yes we know Hagrid was hiding a beast in the castle, but this dude? Keep a secret?
COME ON. Hagrid is honestly the only person less likely than Harry to be the heir, and our trio barely even considers that he’s anything other then potentially an accidental monster raiser.
Just look at him! Wisely, our heroes know Hagrid’s gotta be innocent of at least ill intent, and so do we.
The second years have to pick more subjects to study the next year, and Percy spends time giving advice to his little brother’s friend, because while he’s pompous, there’s a good heart lingering underneath it. #JusticeforPercy! Harry proves to me that he is me when he picks all the subjects Ron does and calls it a day out of confused frustration.
Harry’s room is broken into and the diary stolen, and the next day he hears the murderous voice (which says it’s going to rip and kill and tear when really it just…stares at people till they get frozen in place…?) and Hermione, being the genius she is, runs off after figuring things out, but not before failing to tell Ron and Harry what the hell she’s on about, leaving them to die by basilisk.
Ron gets off a great line that’s been now made into one of my favorite t-shirts
And Oliver Wood gets his heart broken worse then a tween girl who finds out her favorite pop star just got married when McGonagall cancels the Quidditch match. How could you do him dirty like this, McGonagall? Don’t you know it’s all he lives for?!?
But McGonagall has got something far worse on her mind (Nothing is worse than cancelling Quidditch-–Oliver Wood somewhere screaming into oblivion) and she lets Ron and Harry in on it: Hermione is petrified, and so is Percy’s girlfriend. Er, I mean, Penelope Clearwater, the prefect that Ron and Harry ran into when wearing their CrabbeNGoyle meatsuits. And next to them was found…a mirror!
McGonagall informs the Gryffindors that Hogwarts might be closed if the culprit isn’t caught, and Lee Jordan has a really decent point that the only people not being attacked are Slytherins, so perhaps…the heir of Slytherin is a Slytherin? We know on re-read that he’s wrong yet right, and I don’t blame him for suggesting it when their password to their common room is “pureblood.”
Ron and Harry take out his dad’s invisibility cloak that he uses surprisingly little (I would wear that sucker so much it would smell) and go visit Hagrid, who’s acting jumpy as hell. For once they don’t have time for Hagrid to spill every secret in his head before Dumbledore and Cornelius Fudge show up, Fudge acting as toolish as ever. Fudge threatens the clearly innocent Hagrid with Azkaban, and Lucius Malfoy shows up to swan around out-tooling Fudge with his pimp cane, glorious hair bow, bigotry, and totally not at all co-erced forced letter from the governor’s of Hogwarts for Dumbledore to be foisted out.
BEHOLD!
Even Fudge is alarmed at Dumbledore being removed because he has about five functioning brain cells, and Dumbledore makes a weird cryptic comment to the air about help being available at Hogwarts for those who ask for it, making you wonder if he can see through invisibility cloaks, Harry and Ron smell badly, or he really is time traveling Ron Weasley. Hagrid gets an idea from this and says the following to the air as well as Fudge, Lucius, and his hair bow look on
I’m sure that won’t at all backfire, right Ronbledore?
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Ok seriously, can we chat about the pooping on the floor thing?!
How much would you wear the invisibility cloak?
Should the Slytherins be watched more closely then the other students?
And do you love Lucius’s hair bow as much as I do?
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