Chapter Twenty-Three: Christmas on the Closed Ward
In chapter twenty-three of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Harry and Hermione have a beautiful friendship, Neville’s awful secret is revealed, and GILDEROY LOCKHART makes his return as our comic relief.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
This might sound odd, but “Christmas on the Closed Ward” has always been one of my favorite Harry Potter chapters. It’s got it all. Heartbreaking moments, humor, mystery, relateable human behavior, and the return of GILDEROY LOCKHART!
So we open up with Harry just having overheard that he might be turning into Quirrelldemort and he’s none too happy about this prospect and who can blame him, when Quirrelldemort spent a whole year spanking himself with his own hand whenever Lord V was testy?
Harry assumes he’s the weapon Lord V is after because honestly this makes sense based on the information he has and oh yeah, Dumbledore is an idiot who hasn’t told him anything so he doesn’t make incorrect assumptions like this.
Our boy HPotz is planning on fleeing to keep everyone safe when Phineas Nigellus wanders in to tell Harry to stay put in the most deliberately antagonizing way, and then gets pissy about teenagers attitude when Harry well…cops an attitude. Phineas, for one, be glad Harry isn’t screaming in full CAPSLOCK at you and for two, stop channeling Principal Skinner.
Oh, did I say stop? I mean continue, because it gives me the giggles.
Harry stays and seethes and hides and while Ron vaguely tries to help him (I’m being generous, Ron fucks off and ignores Harry) our crew avoids the kid who’s clearly going through some angst after most of them are aware he heard Mad-Eye say he’s being possessed by Lord V.
Finally our girl Hermz shows up, and it’s an absolutely beautiful moment of friendship. Honestly, I can’t think of a moment off the top of my head that shows more what Hermione means to Harry then this one. He’s terrified and hiding from EVERYONE, including Sirius, his closest adult figure, and Ron, his best friend, but one second after realizing Hermione’s there he flings open the door, confides in her, and is eating within minutes. Harry/Hermione friendship for life!
Of course, for the the H/Hr friendship of #goals to be there, Hermione has had to complete another level of “Gosh, Are My Parents the Grangers? Couldn’t Pick Them Out of a Line-up” when she ditches them for Christmas nonchalantly and I want to know why this is happening! Does Hermione spend the rest of her life barely seeing her parents? It’s so weird!
So Hermz has got the gang talking, and Ginny brings up that Harry is a stupid idiot for not realizing she’s been possessed by Voldemort and he could’ve asked her about it and while half of me agrees and thinks Harry is dumb here, the other half thinks Ginny could’ve…y’know…told Harry this through a door so he didn’t have to suffer alone for days? Just a thought?
Anyway so it’s determined Harry hasn’t been possessed, but it isn’t determined that RON isn’t being possessed, because who opens half your Christmas presents alone before your best friend wakes up, anyway? Can someone British explain this to me? Do the Brits open gifts sitting on their bed alone on Christmas instead of together near the tree?! Or are the Weasley’s just weirdos?
Hermione gives one of the worst gifts of all time when she hands out homework planners like an absolute sadist to the boys and Harry gets an abstract art painting by Dobby that I kind of want.
I have to discuss how much Percy sucks here, as much as it grieves me. Sending back his jumper is bad enough. But not even trying to find out if Arthur is ok? When he almsot died? Horrendous. It’s possible he knew through Fudge, but it is one of Percy’s worst moments.
Kreacher’s still missing *COUGH* and Sirius barely cares *COUGH* and then I ponder how Arthur Weasley would be the easiest person to buy gifts for ever. Have a broken Walkman from 1983? Give it to Arthur! Only have two dollars to spend? Buy some Muggle candy from the dollar store and watch Arthur go NUTS! (Or PoundLand, for my UK friends.)
Arthur’s trying out stitches for fun in an attempt to heal his wounds and while this is yet another example of Molly scorning Muggles as idiots in a kind of ugly way, I also can’t help but find this interaction hilarious.
Everyone flees for cover, and then LOCKHART RETURNS! My golden ridiculous lying prancing Prince! Sadly, he doesn’t ask Harry to pretend to be a captured werewolf again, but I’m still thrilled the little jerk makes a cameo. We find out that Lockhart doesn’t ever get visitors which I find hard to believe. Family and friends? Sure. But what about his legions of fans? Are you telling me they wouldn’t show up like this?
Our fun with Lockhart is going to get ruined in the most painful way. The nosy busybody Healer is all, “leaving ALREADY Mrs. Longbottom?” which seems kind of inappropriate to be revealing names of visitors to other strangers and also…what is this “ALREADY?” Lady, is it any of your business how long a teenage boy is forced to visit his parents who don’t even recognize him on Christmas? Pipe down.
Ron ups the idiotic ante however by being like “WOW Neville are YOU visiting SOMEONE Lockhart is here in this TRAUMATIC WING isn’t that neato?” and then makes it worse by being like “what that’s your DAD wow is something WRONG WITH HIM?” and oh my GOD Ron how hasn’t Hermione slapped your mouth shut yet?!
So Granny Longbotz is super nice to our trio N’Ginny, (forever the fourth wheel,) but then she shits all over Neville in front of them and while I’d like to like Granny L more, let me tell you a little story. When I was a kid, I had a very good friend (we’re still friends!) who was super smart but not super street smart. She also wasn’t “cool.” Now I wasn’t “cool” either but for some reason her parents had determined that I was “cool” to them and were always trying to make jokes at my friend’s expense to me like we were being “cool” together. In front of my friend. And even as a little girl I remember being appalled and disgusted by this. Now I’m not saying Granny Botz is trying to be cool, but she’s certainly not helping her grandson’s self esteem,and that has hindered Neville for his whole life.
In any case, poor Neville’s secret is let out of the bag that his parent’s are mute vegetables who were tortured into insanity and that Kreacher’s number one favorite person is the woman who did it. Just when you, me, the trio ‘N Ginz are about to cry, Lockhart pops up to remind them he didn’t learn joined-up writing for nothing, you know.
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Should Ron, the twins, Ginny, or anyone else have tried harder to talk to Harry at the beginning of this chapter?
Why does Harry immediately tell Hermione the truth when she shows up?
Why is Ron so dense when he sees Neville in the Hospital Wing?
Why does Mrs. Longbottom insult Neville to his friends?
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