Chapter Thirty-Three: Fight and Flight
In chapter thirty-three of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Hermione sics some centaurs on Umbridge, Grawp is smarter then everyone thought, and Harry is frankly a tad ungrateful.
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
Hermione’s leading Umbridge into potential death by centaur and/or giant while Harry’s like
trying to figure out what Hermione’s up to and KEEP UP, HARRY, DANG!
So her plan comes to fruition and the centaurs show up all affronted humans are soiling their forest or whatever, and Umbridge, proper little bigoted moron who thinks she’s way more special then she is makes everything much, much worse until the centaurs lose it and carry her off.
OK. Brace yourself. I’m about to say the movie did something better. I know. Someone check me to make sure Barty Crouch Junior isn’t polyjuiced into me.
But this moment?
Is fucking hilarious and I deserve this little treasure after all the amazing things this movie cut.
The angry centaurs carry off Umbridge (not so sexy now, eh Parvati and Lavender?) and almost–no I can’t continue until we discuss this. Is JKR implying that the centaurs er….ah….how shall I put this…do something sexual to Umbridge at this moment?! Keep that thought, we’ll come back to it.
Anyway! So the centaurs almost kidnap Harry and Hermione as well and this would’ve been deeply amusing in a fucked up way if Voldemort’s plan to lure Harry had been thwarted because some centaurs tied him up to a tree and…what? WHAT?! What were the centaurs planning on doing?!
Lucius: My Lord, it’s been twenty hours, perhaps we should give up on Potter arriving.
Voldemort: Let me just peer into his head and see what he’s—oh. OH. Well.
Lucius: My Lord?
Voldemort: He’s a bit tied down at the moment. There’s whips involved. And some bananas. Don’t ask. Try again tomorrow?
Lucius: *sighs, thinking about his facial he had scheduled for the next day*
Grawp saves the day by scaring off the centaurs but not before proving Hagrid right by demonstrating he recognized Hermione, remembered her name, and has learned some English. Take that, book that keeps hurting me! Hagrid is right sometimes!
So Grawp and the centaurs disappear and Harry’s kind of an ungrateful swine here, really, when he tells Hermione her plan was shitty and I didn’t see you thinking of anything, Harry Potter! You bite your tongue! Neville, Luna, Ron, and Ginny show up and has this group ever been given a nickname? Spectacular Sextet?
The four of them have attacked the six Slytherins holding them and bested them when they’ve gotten their wands confiscated and this is dang impressive! Ginny’s attacked Malfoy with flying bogeys which took me way too long to realize means “boogers” in American slang and that is fucking disgusting and what freak came up with this spell?!
Our Stupendous Sixsome are arguing about which ones of the six of them are going to rescue Sirius instead of oh, finding Snape or Flitwick or Sprout to help them while Harry gets progressively pissier, until some thestrals show up to be as helpful as a Drogon arrival.
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Seriously, is JKR implying that the centaurs molest Umbridge?
What would the centaurs have done to Harry/Hermione?
Was Harry right to try to get Neville, Ginny, and Luna to stay behind?
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