Chapter Thirty-Six: A Flaw In The Plan
In chapter thirty-six of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Harry saves the day as Harry is prone to do. Need I say more?
(Please be advised that this is a reread and I will be discussing book and movie spoilers.)
So Harry wakes up to the twin disgusting revelations that he’s facedown in the dirt and that Bellatrix is talking to LV as if he were her “lover” while all the Death Eaters make gagging sounds behind their backs. Oh, and he’s also got the realization that Lord V’s been knocked on his bony white ass the whole time HPotz was dream tripping with Albus.
Then the luckiest thing in all the history of lucky things happening to HP happens: Voldy, in his arrogance, has seemingly forgotten or doesn’t care that the Malfoys have overwhelming reasons to hate his guts. Lucius is off Reek-ing in the corner, D-Malfs is missing and maybe has recognized his obsession with Harry is really a Drarry thing and joined his side, and Narcissa basically has zero reason to comply, yet in his arrogance LV chooses her to check Harry’s vitals. Pick Bellatrix, your loyal lapdog, you dummy!
And of course, as usual LV’s arrogance backfires and it’s his downfall. Literally anyone else aside from maybe Lucius “Reek Greyjoy” Malfoy would have informed LV that Harry is alive, but Narcissa only cares about her shitty son and lies, lies, lies. Hagrid is forced to carry Harry’s dead body and Jesus H. Christ Harry, doesn’t this deserve a name for Hagrid, instead of Albus Severus?! Hagrid chews out the centaurs who frankly had this coming for years, and LV and minions show up to the castle with Hagrid and Harry all
McG and co scream in despair over Harry’s death in book and in film even though movie Ron and Hermione knew Harry was prancing off to his death and just let him go and NO I WILL NOT LET THIS GO!
So since Harry sacrificed his life for his friends, as the true son of Lily Evans that he is, LV’s spells aren’t quiiiiite working and he doesn’t notice because he’s so obtuse. Maybe common sense was located in the same Horcrux responsible for young LV’s hotness?
It’s time for Neville, my spirit Gryffindor to show some of his badass nature by telling LV to get stuffed, pulls out the sword of Gryffindor out of a burning hat on his head, and beheads Nagini. Let’s all overlook Crimes of Grindelwald, because this shit is amazing and I refuse to taint it. At the same time Nev is being a BAMF the centaurs have finally pulled it together and joined the fight just in time for more human reinforcements to arrive.
Proving for the 8,438,661,029th time how Hagrid is the best, he’s the only one to notice that Harry’s body has gone MIA. Thestrals and Buckbeak are even getting into the action courtesy of HAGRID, who can also take credit for Grawp fighting off giants for the side of good and—hold up, everyone! The rarest of sights, a CHARLIE WEASLEY is afoot! Along with the second rarest of sights, a non evil Slytherin in Slughorn! Take a bow, gents!
And THEN Kreacher is all “forgot about me, Pillsbury Dough Boy?” to LV and bids all the elves to fight for Regulus, underappreciated Black family member. Everyone on the wrong side is getting their asses kicked except LV, Bellatrix, and the Malfoys, who are just running around shrieking for D-Malfs to stop making evil buttons and tonguing pictures of Harry and to come give Lucius back his fabulous hair bow.
One of the greatest narrative moments in all of HP occurs when Bellatrix tries to kill Ginny and activates Mrs. Weasley’s kill mode, which is both terrifying and effective. Bellatrix, the woman had six sons just to get to a daughter and you’re trying to kill said daughter, are you crazy?!
You know what? Of course she is.
So this ending is not perfect, but as someone who writes fiction for fun and not nearly as well as JKR tying up your book’s loose ends with a climactic battle is hard as SHIT so I’m not going to knock it too much. But I will point out the ludicrousness of everyone standing around watching Mrs. Weasley fight Bellatrix and LV fighting McG, Slughorn, and Kingsley instead of…you know…a hundred people simultaneously casting spells at their backs….guaranteeing victory…?
Bella goes out like Sirius, arrogant and taunting until she’s killed, and then LV loses his shit and almost kills Molly until Harry’s like “not my pseudo mother you bitch” and dramatically throws off his cloak all SURPRISE
and then LV and HP have a ridiculously long exposition standoff like they’re cosplaying as Albus Dumbledore or something and as cheeseball as this is, it’s still better then that nonsense in the film where Harry and Voldy jump off a damn cliff.
Harry makes Snape spin in his gave–by which I mean his corpse flies around in circles in The Shrieking Shack–when he is like “HEY EVERYONE Snape loved my mum and was a good guy protecting me all along,” nicely leaving out the stalking and public shrieking of Mudblood, etc, while Snape’s corpse is like “Pottah did you forget the memory where I didn’t want anyone to know this?!”
LV and Harry hilariously circle each other and exposition for another half an hour while I long for someone to shank LV in the kidney while he’s distracted, and Harry’s like btw think this one through, D-Malfs mastered the elder wand and D-Malfs if my bitch, and LV, of course, doesn’t listen.
Let’s enjoy this moment with Harry and the Potters!
Voldmort is dunzo and everyone’s hugging Harry except the Malfoys, who are frantically making “we love Harry Potter” buttons on Draco’s evil button maker he’s dragged up from the dungeons and hoping no one notices them.
The trio go up to the Headmaster’s office and talk to Dumbledore (or his portrait at least), per tradition, and Harry decides to give back the Elder Wand to Dumbledore’s very fresh corpse and just reparo his trusty wand instead, while I ponder whatever happened to Draco’s wand, which is technically the wand that killed Voldemort.
Harry is leaving the stone in the forest and wondering if Kreacher will make him a sandwich, and I shed a little tear over the ending of my favorite series of all time and—–what’s that? You say there’s an epilogue? Ahh, shit.
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Why does Lord V pick Narcissa to check Harry?
Would you have preferred Neville or Harry killing Bellatrix, or did you like that it was Mrs. Weasley?
Did you enjoy the Harry/LV showdown?
How does Lucius avoid Azkaban?
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